I never imagined in a million years that my first post of 2026 would be about the passing of my sister-in-law, Arlene Deanna Gonzalez.
As life would have it, her cancer returned with a vengeance. Spilling into the brain, lungs, and bones from her breast. It ravaged her body in a way that was gut-wrenching to watch. She chose an unconventional form of treatment in the hopes that she could have a better quality of life, but her body fought her back, and she lost.
As we, her immediate family, watched as she battled with her mind, we saw glimpses of Deanna. Her humor peeked out now and again. Her laughter often permeated the room, and her heart of worship never failed. I was amazed at what she recalled and how she remembered lyrics to a song. When you leaned in to her to let her know you were there, she would quickly say I love you and I am sorry. We always knew she loved us, but I am not quite sure what she was sorry for. We were sorry. We were sorry that we couldn’t rip the illness out of her. That we couldn’t rip the pain, the headaches, the delusions, the sleepless nights, and the terror.
Yet, she let go with her children and spouse by her side. She let go, knowing full well that we were there for her and that we loved her. She let go, knowing she had done all she could and that we would all be alright.
Grieving with grace is absolutely gut-wrenching, for we want to scream, yell, bang on the walls, argue, and debate. The woulda, coulda, shoulda of it all can be absolutely tormenting. The only ones that it hurts are those left behind, and that is where grace MUST show up.
Grieving with grace demands that we bite our tongues until it hurts; a saddened heart wants to inform others of how and why we got here, when it simply doesn’t matter.
Grieving with grace requires that we show up with tenderness and not judgment. That we gently hold the hearts of those whose lives have been forever transformed. An earthquake has ripped through their lives, and adding any further unwarranted opinion would not make the earth stop shaking.
My niece said to me the day after her mom’s passing, “This morning I woke up and realized it’s day one of learning how to live without our mom, and I don’t know how to do that. I guess I will have to learn”. She’s still counting the days, breathing through it, and finding her footing. She’s grieving with grace.
Grieving with grace requires us to lay down all our selfish desires and listen to those who are in need the most. It’s their hearts that need tending, and grace will soften the pain.
Grieving with grace shows up in flowers, meals, cards, kind words, unexpected texts, and a voice message.
What I know to be true…everyone grieves differently, and that cannot be judged. We must leave room for the anger, the questions, the confusion, and the tears, along with the silence.
We must leave room for grace.