A few years back, I decided to change how I say “the good, the bad, and the ugly”. Learning that it was related to a “spaghetti western”, I couldn’t relate.
The Good, the Bad, and the Lessons made more sense for the vernacular use. Life is full of good, bad, and lessons. Why would we say “ugly” when basically bad is ugly?
Right?
Well, I am sure you are asking yourself what does that have to do with marriage – ha!
These past few months, maybe close to a year, I have walked the long hallway of the good, the bad, and the lessons in the most personal way. I’ve had to repeat some lessons, which is never a good thing. I must be either a slow learner or stubborn. I’ll let you decide.
The beauty in it is walking alongside me is my spouse of 30-plus years. We have walked the good, the bad, and the lessons together.
Folks forget that marriage has many sides, stages, expectations, adjustments, and often requires negotiations. I recall someone once sharing with me that every anniversary, they sit and discuss the year that’s gone by, decide what worked and didn’t work, and renegotiate their marital contract so that everyone’s needs are fairly met. I thought, that was a pretty cool concept and very mature.
Can’t say that I have done that successfully.
A few months back, we attended a marriage seminar. As we sat in the room full of young marriages, seasoned marriages, and soon-to-be-married, I realized that every marriage and/or relationship represented had distinct needs.
Though the intention was to encourage and assist us along the way, that would be impossible. I sat in a room where the moderator spent 45 minutes telling us, “This works for us…not sure if it will work for you?”
Well, to that I say, no, it can’t, we are not the same, our home, our needs, our stage in marriage, our finances, nothing is the same, so how can what you suggest benefit my marriage?
We also sat in another room in which a marriage 20 years our junior gave sweet advice, and I thought to myself, there is still so much for them to walk through to suggest such kind words. Have they experienced death, trauma, infidelity, indiscretion, financial hardship, or rebellious children? But their concern and admonition seemed sincere, and as someone who has been there and done that, I wish the moderators well.
Not all was lost; we walked away with some interesting takeaways that we must have forgotten because we had a huge argument the next day. Why the transparency? Because life is full of the good, the bad, and the lessons. How we apply them matters. Marriage is full of daily checking in moments, resetting boundaries, and lots and lots of forgiveness and renegotiating.
One thing I can give as solid advice.
Surround your marriage with couples that see the best in your marriage. That encourages and can speak to your heart when they see you flailing. Do not sit with folks who will commiserate in your pity party. Know what is true of your spouse and yourself. Lean into each other and never away. When you turn your back, you turn away, which is never a place of love but abandonment.
Give thanks for the good, release the bad, and always remember the lessons.
Don’t forget to laugh.
Don’t forget to sit quietly with each other.
Don’t forget to serve each other.
Don’t forget to protect each other.
Don’t forget to respect each other.
Those are my lessons for now as I continue to be teachable…