“We need all your birth certificates”, he said. “All your siblings, it’s the only way to disperse the inheritance”.
I proceeded to collect all the birth certificates and something was off. Six birth certificates and there it was. One of these was not like the other, and that other was mine. I was staring at the inevitable truth.
What followed was a myriad of questions that no one dared to answer.
Who, what, when, why?
The unbearable truth began to unfold, and I began to understand the whys!
Rejection – the lie that was engraved into my heart, mind, and soul. Not fitting in nor belonging – the constant sense that I was just in the way, all the time.
Why I looked so different. Why I was tormented with wanting to always please so that I could be noticed. All of these questions…slowly being answered.
It became the hurt that slowly carved itself into my heart. I began to understand the truth of my hurt. My quiet hidden hurt.
I managed it pretty well until I couldn’t anymore.
A few weeks ago I hit a wall. I wept quietly realizing the task of carrying this in my heart was breaking…yes breaking my heart.
I was kissed by God.
Without anyone knowing all the details of my silent hurt, I was honored in a way that just took my breath away. I found myself weeping at The Peninsula Hotel during High Tea as two beautiful women lovingly told me “God told us to honor you, celebrate you.” I was stunned. As I wept, I shared with them my truth, my silent pain. The fact that they were saying those words to me, clearly confirmed in my heart that GOD was present the moment I was conceived. GOD was present the moment of my rejection. GOD was present in the moment of my assault. GOD was present at the moment of my betrayal. GOD was present when my heart was broken over and over again..waiting for me to lay it all at HIS feet. Leaving the hurt right there and then…there HE WAS! Letting me know that HE was present and ready to restore what was stolen. He wanted me to remember that I mattered and I have a purpose. Though the road has been mixed with trials and triumphs…
HE SEES ME!!!
That moment shattered me into a million little pieces, removing the cracked glass that was around me which I thought was protecting me from any further hurt. It was over. The shame, the rejection was gone. He chooses me, in spite of my circumstances. He chooses me in spite of myself.
What are you carrying that you need to lay down? What hurt are you picking up every day?
Lay it down. Lay the hurt, shame, pain, and disappointment down. It was never meant for you to carry.
“Before I shaped you in the womb, I knew all about you. Before you saw the light of day, I had holy plans for you: A prophet to the nations–that’s what I had in mind for you” (Jeremiah 1:5 – Message Translation)
-Annette Ortiz Mata